


Lately I can't recognize you (The doctors lied when They said they saved you)

by Subparseraphim



Category: Nikita (TV 2010)
Genre: M/M, S3 E17, and Owen interrupting, it's really just Birkhoff trying to cope, takes place in "Masks", tiny bit of angst I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 02:14:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18326621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subparseraphim/pseuds/Subparseraphim
Summary: Ryan is in a coma. Birkhoff comes to see him, resulting in some long overdue reflection.





	Lately I can't recognize you (The doctors lied when They said they saved you)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Coma baby" By Nicole Dollanganger

“Hey, Fletch.”

Birkhoff breathed in the smell of antiseptic that seemed to cling to the walls in medical. The room was dark but he could see fairly clearly with the light coming in from the hall, where two guards were rotating shifts. Michael had insisted on having at least one person guarding Ryan at all times until he woke up, but the guards stayed outside the room and weren’t much for conversation, so the only sounds were Ryan’s regulated breathing and the blips of the monitors around him.

“They uh,” Birkhoff said, looking over Ryan’s sleeping form. his face was still deathly pale. “The medics say I should talk to you. Not sure which of us that’s supposed to help, but it’s worth a go, right?”

Birkhoff cracked a nervous grin. “Look, Ryan, I know I said you should get more sleep, but don’t you think this is overkill?” great. making awful jokes when someone’s in a fucking coma. way to go, Seymour, this is why there are only six people alive who tolerate you and one of them is in a coma with a bullet hole in his side.

He took Ryan’s hand, idly running his thumb back and forth over the man’s palm. Everything was going to shit out in division- turns out this had just been the beginning. Birkhoff wasn't sure if he blamed the agents- most of them were young. too young. they didn't deserve to still be mixed up in all of this.  
"Ryan," he murmured, "You went too far, you know that right? I- I love you, but you haven't been the same. this place has that effect on people. you have so much power and a part of you thinks that maybe you can keep it. You want to keep it. But you can't, because it turns you into someone nobody even knows anymore."

The sound of the door handle turning made birkhoff jump.

“Oh. you’re here.”

Owen.

“Is there a reason I shouldn’t be?” Birkhoff bit back, hastily scrubbing at his eyes, which had begun to water.

Owen didn’t respond. he was holding something- not his phone, that was-

“Sorry, no, it’s cool.” Owen said calmly, putting the… whatever it was in his back pocket. “I just came to uh, see how the boss man’s doing, like you.”

Birkhoff raised an eyebrow but made no comment- If Owen thought that was all that was going on here, he wasn’t going to correct him.

“So… how is he?” Owen asked after a minute of staring at various monitors.

“Comatose.” Birkhoff said flatly.

Owen sighed, “What, cranky because I’m ruining ‘talk to your unconscious boyfriend’ time?”

“How d’you-“

“Shit, do you all think I’m a moron?” Owen chuckled drily, “Or blind- do you think I’m blind?” He gestured at their hands. “You’re holding his hand, genius. last time I checked guys don’t do that with their friends.”

Birkhoff squeezed his eyes shut. right. fuck. “Owen, don’t tell anyone,” he hissed. Owen shrugged. “Don’t need to. Nikita’s guessed by now and who knows who else has.”

Nikita knows? why hasn’t she talked to either of them before this- that was kinda her thing when one of the team got into a relationship, wasn't it? Did… Did Nikita think it was weird that… no, no, Niki wouldn’t think that in a million years. right? 

“Hey,” Owen waved a hand in his face and Birkhoff batted it away. “Quit staring off into space man, we’re barely functioning with one team member out of commission.”

Birkhoff nodded once and returned his attention to Ryan, squeezing his hand lightly. He could tell Owen was still waiting for something, but he wasn’t sure what. “I’m not leaving, just so you know.” He said, glancing up at the ex-guardian.

“If your plan is to be here all night then you might at least want coffee,” Owen began.

“If _your_ plan is to get me to bring you coffee, it’s not gonna work.”

“Nah, that’s not it,” Owen grinned- oddly genuine considering his usual temperament around Birkhoff, “Listen, if it makes you feel better, I’ll be with him while you’re gone.”  
Birkhoff raised his eyebrows. “Actually that makes me feel a thousand times worse,” he said, getting up anyways.

 

By the time Birkhoff got back to medical, Owen was gone. not that he was complaining, but...  
He shook the notion away and turned to Ryan, once again listening to the quiet unnatural hum of the room.  
Where were they both headed once all of this was finally over? Birkhoff couldn't imagine a life without the rest of the team- they'd been a constant for so long, but now it felt like they were all falling apart. It was division, it was always this place- more like a living being than an underground building, as deeply disturbing as that sounded. It was true though, Division was like some kind of toxic force that you didn't even notice was affecting you until it was too late. It wasn't too late for Ryan, though- It wasn't too late for all of them. Birkhoff took Ryan's hand again, pressing his lips to the man's knuckles.  
"I'm not giving up on you, Fletch," He murmured, "Wherever you go, I'm there as long as you'll have me."  
his phone rang in his pocket. "I'll be back," He said, standing up to go take a call from Alex. "I promise."


End file.
